


it's you that makes me smile

by royalgreen (allyoop)



Series: Fictober 2020 [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cats, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Ficlet, Fluff, Fluff and Feels, Hopeful Essek, Internal Monologue, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Relationship, Secret Crush, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, the tiniest dash of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:54:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen
Summary: Essek is certain his crush on Caleb is a bad idea and will lead absolutely nowhere.... but the little cat figurine he bought as a gift still sits on his shelf as a reminder of his feelings.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Fictober 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954570
Comments: 2
Kudos: 94





	it's you that makes me smile

**Author's Note:**

> Technically a sequel to "on a whim" in this same Fictober collection. :) 
> 
> Fictober prompt #3: "you make me smile"

Several weeks passed and the wooden cat figurine never left Essek’s tower. He moved it from room to room, unsure of what to do with it since his intention was never to keep it for himself. It watched silently as he brewed another cup of tea. It glowed softly under some floating lights as Essek worked in his study. It seemed quite at home keeping company with the books on his shelf, but still Essek kept rearranging where the cat was placed as if every location wasn’t quite perfect.

He knew _why_ now, after the realization of his own feelings had settled from shock down into acceptance. The little cat was a physical reminder that Essek liked Caleb, in a way that made his heart skip up and then sink back down. The cat couldn’t settle comfortably anywhere, just as Essek felt unease about his, for lack of a more suitable term, _crush_ on Caleb.

He could not fathom a world in which hoping for reciprocation could end in anything but disaster for them both. Caleb very well could like him back, there certainly was a whisper of a hopeful voice in Essek’s head that analyzed each conversation they’ve had and every smile Caleb has given, and calculated it up to a “ _maybe_ ”. But Essek was… different. Beyond just in culture and age, Essek knew he was not _good;_ he did not seek out the truth and justice of things like the Mighty Nein. He couldn’t ever imagine living in a group like them, balancing the needs and wants of so many others.

The little wooden cat was currently resting on top of a stack of spellbooks on his desk, looking at him with blank eyes that seemed to see straight through him.

That nagging feeling had returned, pulling his thoughts towards Caleb, back to dwell on those pesky feelings. The weight of those emotions almost made him want to try and emulate the Nein a bit more, to try and walk a little more on the right side of things. And then Essek looked back at the stack of coded letters on his desk and the reply he had paused on mid-stroke. He couldn’t fathom a world in which he could ever step back from this.

\------------

And thus several weeks rolled into several months, and Essek had stopped moving the cat around his tower. It lived on his shelf with his arcana and spellbooks, a drop of warm wood tucked between dusty leather spines.

He had nearly forgotten about it’s existence until a lightning bolt of realization had struck down his spine. Caleb was in his study. He was here to learn more dunamancy. He was standing before his bookshelf with one hand unmistakably reaching for the figurine. There was no distracting him, no hiding the cat in time, Essek’s gift was about to be found out.

Caleb tapped the cat lightly on the head. “And who is this?” He turned towards Essek, a slight look of amusement on his face.

“A trinket. It was a gift with one of my purchases. You know how shopkeepers are when they meet the Shadowhand.” It wasn’t an outright _lie_ , but Essek knew he was dancing around the truth.

“I did not take you to be a fan of little figurines.” 

“I admit I held onto it for you. It reminded me of your familiar.” 

Caleb picked up the figure, turning it slowly in his hand. “ _Ja_ , it does look like my Frumpkin.” He gave Essek a questioning look. “You do not want to keep it?”

Essek inclined his head. “It is yours, if you want it.”

“It makes me smile, thank you.” And indeed, Caleb had one of his rare warm smiles blooming across his face as he rotated the small cat before his eyes. Essek felt his heartbeat skitter a little faster.

Caleb placed the cat into his coat pocket with much more gentleness than Essek expected. The hopeful whisper in his head almost seized control of Essek’s lips.

_It is you, Caleb_. He almost said. _I don’t think I can ever tell you, but it is you who makes_ _me_ _smile._

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to hold myself accountable for fictober by posting them to ao3 in a timely manner :)
> 
> Thanks for every comment, kudos, and encouragement as always.
> 
> (As always, feel free to follow me on [tumblr](https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/) for more critrole shenanigans)


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